Um, We Can See You

The media and pubic opinion has pretty much run the gamet on possible opinions of the whole John Edwards case, and I’m sure I don’t need to update many of you on the fact he was aquitted, though his character and reputation paid the price. Is anyone else wondering if the affair was worth all the people he hurt, the collateral damage?

Am I the only one who has not encountered such mind-blowing sex it’s worth public humiliation ?

What completely boggles the mind is there seems to be a new story of another fallen politician almost monthly. So I have a tip for those remaining “public servants” out there: We can see you.

And we have things like:

See that spot in the corner? CAMERA !

or these:

You are not invisible. Most public places are now equipt:

Camera – We know where you’re going, where you’ve been…

We’re all tired of watching you all turn into Erkel… 

DID I DO THAAAAT ?

No one is buying it. Just STOP!

Dr. Spock’s Ham Sandwich

Remember taking a basic class in Logic to fullfill some requirement to round out the promise of a spectacular Liberal Arts education ?

Money well spent – I can now string together such idiocracies as: “A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness.“

The Ham argument has long had me believing “Logic 101″ would better serve misguided students if taught from Spock’s perspective. Rather than write 500 words on “What makes a pencil a pencil”, I offer much more thought provoking topics thanks to my favorite Vulcan:

“Insufiecient facts always invite danger”.

“I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.” (It’s a gift, just sayin’)

“Change is the essential process of all existance”

“Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

“Vulcans never bluff” ( I just like this one)

“It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.”

Told ya I was a geek. But hey, since I no longer need worry about a philosophy grade, some these may provide great inspiration for future posts if I ever have writer’s block.

Live Long and Prosper.

It’s amusing how many people cannot do the Vulcan greeting….

All’s Fair in Love and Online Banking

I am in an elite category of professions. My job elicits the “I couldn’t do that for a living” response. Followed by a bazillion questions…..Is my job the career equivalent roadkill you can’t help stare at while driving by ?

 No, I’m not a hooker. Although, same category. Me, the hooker, proctologists, coroners, elephant pooper-scoopers, the guys who have to move porta-poties, lawyers….. I help people process their divorce.

Depressing ? No, actually. Most of the couples I meet are in either the ”should not have taken that walk down the aisle in the first place” couple or the “we let things sloooowly deteriorate over the last decade, put us out of our misery” couple. This gives me the inside scoop on the relationship version of “What Not to Wear”.

Many complaints, mistakes, and flat out ”bone-headedness” seem to be repeated over & over…. my hope is blogging will help organize lessons learned while sharing with anyone interested.

Today’s couple is of the first variety. Only three years after promising “Til death do us part”, they found themselves in my living room. I discussed what they could expect from me, the process, etc. We signed paperwork. Mr. & Mrs. JA [Joint Account] were clients.

The next morning, my mellow cup of coffee was abruptly interrupted with a frantic phone call from Mr. JA. It seems Mrs JA was the more clever of the two, and had beaten him to their funds. He was irate – all their accounts were joint, and she cleaned house.

Today’s lesson boys and girls: a joint bank account does not mean its half yours. It means you both have equal right to all the money. I know, this sucks. But look at it in a non-divorce context:

You and the love of your life put $1000 in a joint account. Next thing you know, a pair of Prada’s, on sale for $800, are staring at you. A deal, right ? Your debit card will not block the transaction based on you only being entitled to $500. Nor would a bank teller say “Sorry, you can only withdraw $500″. The shoes will be yours.

Mr. JA calmed down after finding a polite way of stating “So, you are upset because she did what you were going to do ?”

But I’d hate to be in her shoes right now……

 

My Study on Studying My First Career Change

Articles relating to the latest and greatest “Study” usually make for interesting reading, yes? I’m guilty of reading Vogue’s study of “Why we cheat” or “How those jeans really do make your ass look big”.

When I see an actual scientific study, I devour it, thinking I’ll have something fabulous to chat about at the next party…the latest research finding elephants really don’t forget. Or that married couples start to look alike. Did you know herring communicate through gas bubbles ?

it must be true, it’s on the internet

And of course I’m always looking for the latest and greatest health tips to keep me young and [relatively] thin for the next 75 years. Like the newest findings on coffee – I am working my way up to six cups a day, based on this study.

It’s very rare that the subject of a “study” motivates me to examine my future ! The idea of research has appealed to me, but I never came up with a subject about which I was passionate enough. The process of applying for and writing a research grant is a daunting one and frankly too much work.

Until now - A study of studying studies ! I wouldn’t have believed it had I not read it myself. Back in 2010, the Pentagon decided to look into the cost of studies. Now that a sufficient amount of time has passed, Congress has asked for progress report, a.k.a study on the Pentagon study.

This immediately brings to mind two questions:

1 – Prudent use of tax dollars?

2 – If our Government is so inclined to sqwander funds on such an endeavor, I want in – Are they hiring ?

I think I’m just the person to cut through the red tape. I’m more than qualified:

1. I am now drinking lots of coffee thanks to the afore mentioned study, which gives me that bitchy “I mean business” edgy-ness. And it makes me a good employee as I will live longer and have more energy.

2. I know lots of impressive sounding legal/ business jargon. I can ”Notwithstanding…”, “afore mentioned…”, “revocation by these regulations of a provision previously revoked subject…” and “Party of the first part…” my way out of answering any question. This should prove useful in either of two capacities: decyphering whatever study has been completed so far, or adding appropriate lingo to confuse anyone reading the study.

3. I own several “Power suits”

Don’t make us kick your ass & wrinkle the suit….

So, where do I forward my resume ?

Where have you been all my life !

How did I not do this sooner? A public forum all about me… what I think, like, read, watch….I see magical potential.

Blogging, where have you been all my life !

As a result of spending too long mocking profiles on dating sites, I have grown tired of all the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” already out there. I’ve decided to forgo the typical introduction of “Hi, my name is Maggie and I like walks on the beach and the purr of a kitten”….and decided to do my inaugural post MY way, as usual. So, in no particular order, I don’t play favorites (that’s a total lie)….

“People I Don’t Like” aka “Reasons I’m Still Single”:

Non-Animal People: I don’t trust them and neither should you. Theres something wrong with them in a Jeffrey Dahmer sort of way.

The “I’m so Mature” Persona: Sometimes these can be a little hard to spot, I’ve devised a test. Throw into a conversation a comment about the last episode of a cartoon, like South Park or The Simpsons. These people will turn their snooty nose up at the idea of watching a cartoon. Or mention Radiohead. I don’t have time for these people.

Unhappily Married People: Easy to spot. They are the ones constantly telling me how pathetic I am for not being married, asking when I think I will be and dolling out bad relationship advice.

Overly Healthy Gurus: I eat well. I don’t smoke. I exercise - minimally. I get it, this is the only body I will ever have (that we know of…). But do not shame me for my love of french fries dipped in my chocolate shake !

Work-Aholics: Get over it. Your boss is not impressed, he’s just happy he can go home early because he knows you’ll do all the work. Prob’ly why he’s the boss.

Psuedo-Intellectuals: Actual intellectuals are usually open to conversation, new ideas and pursuing further knowledge. I’m referring to guys are the ones sure they know everything. Disagree with them and you’ll be on the receiving end of the “it’s okay, you can’t help you’re not smart enough to know better” eyebrow raise.

Importance-Obsessed: “The world may need my expertise at any moment…must not put down iphone and risk humanity !”

The Cutsie’s: It is not OK to use text lingo in conversation. If I am standing in front of you, there is not reason to say “LOL”. I can see you - yes you are laughing boisterously. Oh, and while you’re at it, your Hello Kitty wallet needs to go.

Idiots: This has nothing to do with education level; Idiots have Masters Degrees. Unlike Zombies, they do not always stand out in a crowd, though the behavior is similar. My working definition is “incapable of thinking for themselves or entertaining a new thought or idea”. For example, it may have been a good idea to vote Republican in 1860 when Abe Lincoln was on the ticket, but it is imperative one updates information every century or so. Try Google, it’s a good place to start.

Now that I have alienated half of the Blog World, I’d like conclude by saying to anyone I have not offended “Welcome to my corner of the universe”!